Another life

Someone a deeply cared about died three weeks ago, in an accident, very far from here. I've dealt with death before, the passing of old people and sick people, but never this swiping off, this disappearance act, this vanishing in the blink of the eye. A parting in my timeline, where I took a wrong turn, and here I am, stuck in a universe where he doesn't exist anymore.

However, this is not a text about my sadness because it cannot be written down. It is a text about my revolt, a sort of motion sickness, an inside shivering. I don't recognize myself in this physical reaction to loss. I, who thought myself in tune with the irony in the universe, am stumbling, dizzy, hypnotized by the black holes on the road.

I am not broken, I am cracked and it hurts as I had no idea one could hurt; a lesson everyone should be spared from learning – you don’t come out of it wiser or stronger but weaker and older. I want my life back, the other one, before I took the wrong turn, the one in which after each blink, he’s still there – instead of this life in which he’s there in every blink.